I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed.
Well, that’s what I think it is at least. For years now, I’ve been hearing this voice, this voice that negates every good thing I do, that tells me that nothing I ever do is going to be good enough. This voice, it acts as a counter for every single thing I think or do. Happy thought? Not for long. It bothered me for the longest time, till I remember thinking that the best way to beat it is to be it. So, yes, I’m friends with that voice and the best part? It actually gives me killer advice for life.
Get along with the voices, inside of my head
“Don’t ever wear the dress. You look fat and ugly in it. And if you look fat and ugly, no one will want to talk to you” my monster shouted at my reflection.
Well, I like this dress, I bought it because I thought it fit me well.
“Nothing will ever fit you well. You need to actually do something to make anything fit you. When will you get it? How come you become more and more stupid with each passing day?”
I throw the dress out of my cupboard and proceed to find something else to wear for tonight’s big party. Finally, I settle for a pair of jeans and a black and white boring top.
“That’s more like it. Show your personality through the colours you wear. Black and white, nothing more, BORING.”
Shush. Let me at least try things on.
“What’s the point? Nothing is ever going to look good enough on you. Not till you do something with yourself.”
The monster always wins. Each internal debate I have, each thought I reflect into for more than five minutes, there she is, scolding me for being stupid, idiotic, dumb and unwanted.
“The party is in 3 hours, why aren’t you doing something to your stupid hair?”
Hair? What’s wrong with my hair? I love how they are.
“You LOVE them? You can’t possibly love anything about this body you’re in! Gosh! Look at yourself.”
Okay, look, there has to be SOMETHING about me that you actually think is decent? Maybe my language or my voice or the fact that I can play the guitar? How about the fact that I read a lot? Something?
“Hah. Let’s see, no, no, no, no & NO. There’s nothing to like about you. There’s seriously nothing you’re worth. At least not right now.”
Well, how do I make myself worth anything?
You’re trying to save me, stop holding your breath.
“Throw all your stuff out. You aren’t worth any of it. Throw the phone that your parents paid for, throw the iPod that you waste your time on, throw the books that you were never ever going to even touch, throw away all the stationery you thought you would study with. Throw it all away and use only the things you need for this party”
What? For the rest of my life?
“Time to choose. If this party is that important, do it, leave everything else behind and go attend this party that you can’t resist going to, despite the fact that your mother is lying sick in bed and your dad could use your help in the house tonight”
But, but, they allowed me!
“Why wouldn’t they? You made them. Don’t tell me you didn’t pull that emotional blackmail shit on them again! That’s what you always do.”
I sit down to think about what my monster said. It is time to change everything about me. It is time to set my priorities. See? I told you the monster gives killer advice. Why do you think I always listen to her? Silently, I smile over the fact that I was right and that you’re convinced as well now.
You save me always, monster. But that isn’t what you’re supposed to do, is it?
“My job is to take you to what you deserve, and don’t worry, we’ll get there soon. Soon you won’t have to worry about me anymore”
Does that mean you’ll go away?
“With your bad habits, I will”
But who’ll save me?
“Who said you need saving?”
And you think I’m crazy.
Well, I told my parents that I didn’t want to go. You think I did the right thing?
“You can never do the right thing”
But, that’s what you asked me to do. That’s what you wanted right? To take me to what I deserve. I deserve a good life because I won’t waste my time and hard work on stupid irrelevant things, right?
“What? Who said that? Wow, you really must be stupid. This was the party of the year. And now you’re going to miss it and lose all the friends you worked so hard to make”
BUT-BUT YOU TOLD ME, YOU TOLD ME TO FORGET THE STUPID PARTY
“Never said I was right”
YOU ALWAYS ARE.
“First time for everything, isn’t there?”
NO.NO.NO.NO. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU. YOU’RE A HYPOCRITE. YOU’RE A USELESS PIECE OF SHIT. WHY DID I EVER START LISTENING TO YOU?!
“You listen to me because you have nobody else to listen to or talk to. And trust me, this is all you deserve, for the rest of your life.”
THAT’S NOT TRUE.
I pace up and down my room. What have I done? What have I done? Is there any way to end this stupid conflict I’m always in? I kick the edge of the bed and hurt my foot, hard. I sit on the bed and start crying with my head in my hands.
“There’s always a way.” The monster creeps up again.
WHAT? WHAT IS IT NOW? ANOTHER GENIUS PLAN OF YOURS
“Oh, perhaps the most genius one of them all”
Why should I even listen to you anymore?
“Simple. Because you listen to yourself.”
What-what is your genius plan?
I look up at my ceiling fan rotating with a periodic creaking sound. It was simple. At least it ended all the conflict and the confusion that I was always in. Did I think twice about it? No. Should I have? I think people should think twice about everything they do. But that doesn’t stop them does it? Then why should it stop me? I was worthless, my monster taught me that. So what was the point in keeping my life going? It was an easy peaceful way to end the madness. Simple and fast. Well, the monster went, didn’t it? And that’s all I ever wanted.
Yeah, you think I’m crazy.
Well, that’s not fair.