People often tell me how painful it is to be away from people they love. It is as if the brief moments of unison do more harm than good. Sometimes countries are different, sometimes time zones clash. The work required to sustain the relationship is way more than any futile brain drenching fling. I had heard of this pain but never quite felt it.
People say and write vivid things, which find their way from the ubiquitous serious of repetitions. ‘I love you more than you’ll ever know”, “you have my heart”, “my soul craves your presence” and so on. Other than that, they resort to fancy whatsapp emojis to display their affections. Some even start doubting the authenticity of their relationship if the number of kiss emojis their S.O sends is less than the previous day.
I have had muses before and they have made me feel a variety of emotions which I experienced, interjected, fought and finally bled on hidden corners of Microsoft word. But I never quite felt what separation was until I met her. She was my daybreak and illuminated me like a shining star. Our relationship had its conception in a far of foreign land. It prospered over late night calls and texts. Its authenticity strengthened when she came over to see me to a land she knew nothing about, unguarded. We explored each other to greater depths. But like all long distance relationships, happiness came to us scarce short bursts.
While driving to the airport this morning, neither of us talked much. Looking at her gullible yet beautiful eyes, emitting pearls of tears made me reminisce about the past month that we’d been together. I kept asking myself, what was so special about us that made it so hard to say goodbye to her? We were just any regular couple. We had our share of love and we had our share of disagreements. We would cuddle as unexpectedly as we would throw things at each other. We pampered each other and threatened each other. We would be together when we looked our best and we would be together in spite of avoiding morning showers and having stinky breath. My thoughts kept me occupied until we reached the terminal from where her flight would commence.
The drill was usual. I brought her the trolley, helped her with the suitcases, told her to keep her money safe and check if she had all the required documents in place. She hugged me tight and broke down in tears, which was expected. I comforted her with the embrace and kissed her before she started walking away from me to the security check.
Suddenly, I was paralyzed. Layers of my body were being separated mercilessly. I didn’t quite know what was happening. I stood there, frozen.
While watching her get smaller and smaller into the distance, I got the answer I was longing for. She didn’t have the access to my heart or soul, she had access to me. The me, who I never knew existed, was going away with her. The me, full of joviality and love in the greatest of my dimensions. The me, which was specifically sculpted for her, away from the debauchery and wrongdoings of the world. As the layers of my alter persona melted away, the pain increased and my vision got hazy. I suddenly felt heavy, I suddenly felt cold. My elixir had distanced away from me.
What now? You ask. What happens when your inner being is seized away from you? You live, surely. But things are never the same. The day goes by usually but you long and crave the magic. You meet people, talk and share laughs but all you want is to be able to share your day with your magical other. You wait to be immersed in their wonderful imperfections. But until your next temporary unison, patience is your only virtue. Such is life.