I am not really the kind of guy you would find writing anonymous letters to people I love rather than confronting them in person. But today is an exception.
There comes a time in life where all out of a sudden you tend to feel helpless. Helpless about what’s happening around you, helplessness also out of the fact that no matter how badly you want circumstances to change and see your life become a fairy tale with a ‘together forever after’ happy ending . But you can’t do a thing to steer your life even close. Unfortunately, this is reality and as far as I know, there aren’t many feasible escape routes from reality. Temporarily alcohol and other intoxicants might do the job but when it comes to really venting your feelings, there are people like me who publish our souls out to the world to get our required solace. That is the only way out.
So first things first! I LOVE YOU S. A lot! And I hate you so being so blind all the time. Of what use is your acquired benevolence, when you can’t even see someone dying with every forced smile he puts just to show you that he is okay? Do the annoying silences don’t affect you at all? Where are you when the world, with its traditional fakeness, is trying to confront me? I’ve heard that a girl can tell what’s going on through a guy’s mind by looking into his eyes! So then didn’t you see my eyes well up when you told me that you were in love with someone else? Or didn’t you see them drop whenever we parted ways? Or when they seemed to look at you to their greatest depths until you disappeared into time completely? How can you be so ignorant? But it’s okay, it isn’t your fault!
When I look back in time, all the moments we spent together come back at me with a thunderous blow. Since the time we met there hasn’t been a single day your beautiful face hasn’t been able to penetrate through my thoughts. The moment when you told me your romantic escapades with your boyfriend, I died a little inside. Your constant smirks which had a new meaning each day became my drug. Whenever I closed my eyes, your eyes (The most beautiful attribute you have) which merrily compliment your wonderful appearance spoke to me. They told me things about the little girl who was always socially amiable, but hollow and empty inside. You would smile at me and I would look deep down your eyes and be your support as you’ve always wanted. Our lips would meet and we would shift into a blissful trance. But I never really told you this, so it isn’t your fault!
We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we have played stupid games (I always let you win just to see your lips curve into a wonderful smile!) Through the days that we’ve known each other, I never left your hand. So why weren’t you able to sense my feelings? You say we are friends. Sure we are if you solve the mental paradox you have put me in. Which friend of yours would stick around when you are drunk in a random club on a chilly December night? Or when you insult him telling to mind his own business when all he cares about is your safety. Who would stand by your side when the alleged “true love” of your life is busy fulfilling his sexual desires while keeping you buried in a hoax? Who would give you a shoulder to cry when you’ve given up completely? And then finally, WHY IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR LIFE? But obviously you don’t care and it isn’t your fault!
Loving someone who doesn’t love you back can be one of the worst mistakes of your life, trust me. The Journey brings forth so many emotions, highs, lows and experiences. Be it Unadulterated love, obsession, rage, deceit, jealousy, pain and finally conquest. But like all other things, it does some good. It goes by far; meeting all ends and leaving no stone unturned to receive back the love you project and makes you love to the point of paranoia. Blow after blow, scar after scar, it makes you realize that you are stronger than you thought you were. Then no pain is unbearable, you know you have become almost invincible. And when you love to the point of paranoia, you become it; you become LOVE.
Surely, life hasn’t been the same as it was when I decided to leave. Yes I am sure you must have felt a void for some time too. But maybe you were just used to my presence and you will get over the fact that my part in your story has ended. As for me! I would be lying if I say that I am okay without you. Wherever I go, there are traces which are desperately trying to take me back to you. The women I meet all make me wonder how they aren’t as perfect as you were. Some have features which resemble to yours which seize my attention for a while but in times of solitude, your face seems to be the only thing my mind wants to recollect for solace. It has been time now that we have been away from each other but when co-incidence plays its game, and our eyes meet, I die inside. Whenever I see you conversing with somebody else, I think how fortunate they may be to endure your presence. Also, I get a little jealous.
All I want you to know is that ever since my eyes met yours for the very first time, my soul had accepted compliancy. That is when I realized there are joys even sacrifice has to offer. Whatever the consequence might be, I know it is you who controls my fate now. YOU HAVE STOLEN MY SOUL. Also, my heart has also been coned by your radiant smile just like a kidnapper would use a candy to con a child. I have given myself to you and lost. As these words are being typed through the keyboard I feel at peace and letting you go doesn’t pain anymore for I have loved, and loved you wholeheartedly. My existence has a meaning now.
I know how the reality check business works. I don’t expect you to be pretending all this while and come back running after reading this letter and telling me you had no idea that I loved you like a maniac. Or for that instance disregarding the cliché, I will get over you by writing this letter. Things don’t happen like that. Life isn’t a hoax movies make it to be. How do you expect me to get over you when you are in every place I visit, every song I hear, every smile I see or in every pain that doesn’t heal? I wonder why do people believe love to be holy and surreal feeling when simple emotions cannot be understood between two individuals?
I have chosen to love you and will continue doing so until I have evidence that this ‘so called’ love you always glorify as a ‘divine power’ is a hoax. Or alternately, until I breathe my last. In the end it isn’t about who is at fault but what I am taking back from our experiences. So let me just blame fate because that is the easiest thing to do. Having said that, I still wish you stay number one on my whatsapp chats and facebook notifications (no pun intended!).
Yes I am going away, but I will always be there for you and keep a check on your smiles which I wish always stay glued to your lips. You once told me that I was the reason behind them.
Yours TRULY(I mean this!)