I am really really drunk right now!
There is so much negativity revolving around the subject of ‘alcoholism’. You might hear people telling you that you will ruin your liver, you will be subject to an unhealthy lifestyle and eventually your alcoholism will lead to degradation and ultimately untimely demise. Being a regular drinker for almost 2 years, I have been a victim to all these pieces of advice coming in from any sober nook and corner I visit. As a spoiler first let me tell you that all the free information and advice you get is TRUE. Nothing comes without a price and in order to get your happy trip you have to sacrifice your health subtly. Mind you, the words which you are reading right now may make you feel that you are reading a maniac who can’t think beyond partying and drinking. In fact, in this case it is exactly the opposite. I am a person who drinks by himself (well, mostly!) and feel that drinking is indeed a divine approach towards a monotonous life, which our desire for routine has contributed to. No I don’t support alcoholism and neither am I telling you to drink like I do, but I am just saying that I love the new perspective I get of the environment around me, which is solely the result of excessive alcohol running in my blood.
Most of us hit an aggressive high while drunk. We feel like dancing our ass out, having wild sex, beating up people, crying (howling actually!), puking or just peeing for no apparent reason. With me, yet again it’s different. I get a different high every time! Sometimes I am emotional, poetic and utterly thoughtless and at other times I get philosophical. Today was the latter! Read the whole thing and make some sense out of it;
I have been in love this girl from college a long time. She’s beautiful and has features resembling to my kind of beautiful! (We all have our types, don’t we?) I had been a fool for not letting out my feelings during the crucial time and the inevitable happened; a douchebag wooed her away from me (Though I am not sure she would have accepted even if I had asked her out then!). Anyway long story short, she has been committed for a while now and I am not the kind who is particularly an expert in stealing other people’s girlfriends. Hence, we are just good friends now (Do I have an option anyway?)
But hey, I am not as lonely as you think I am. I am dating someone too (Well..). But today, out of randomness, both of us decided to get drunk together as there was a fest in our college. As an alcoholic, her initiating that was really soothing to my ears. Plus, having a hot chick drinking with you is quite amazing as well. She might have blurted out any feelings which might have existed in her for me, I thought. Bullshit!
After finishing out quarters of neat vodka and chips, we started our random conversations. I told her about my trust issues with my girlfriend and then we discussed our sex lives, which eventually ended into insulting laugh gags. We got close and closer. Her lips were probably a centimeter away from mine. God! I really wanted to kiss her!
But I wasn’t that drunk.
Then came the bad trip, she said she wanted to puke. I, like a really good friend-zoned guy helped her with that. Rubbed her back, helped her wash her face, carried her with wobbly steps on my shoulder and even helped her into the girl’s washroom! (Embarrassing as fuck!). Touching her felt divine and I wanted her to be safe until she was sober. I wanted to touch her more, not like a molester would do sexually. More like, in a caring way like gently rubbing her back, giving her reassuring hugs etc. I ensured her that I would stay with her and my alcohol induced emotions took me back to the time when I suffered because of her. The day she told me that she loved someone and was in a relationship with him crushed me to pieces. Though on the other side, her continuous puking made my attraction decline rapidly as she was making horrendous sounds and throwing out yellow chunks of food, loads of water and alcohol which isn’t obviously the most pleasant thing to witness for a guy standing in a girl’s washroom.
After she felt better I tried touching her in an affectionate way to see her response. Very cold, to say the least. She asked me to let her stand and rest for a while; I had lost all my high by then. Only then one of her guy friends came and she pounced on him like a leopard would on its prey. She hugged him tight as if he was a pirated version of Brad Pitt and kept on doing so for a while.
I felt crushed! For obvious reasons.
Emotionally, all the effort of being there for someone who doesn’t even give the slightest fuck about your existence is sad. That hurts man! I had to accept that she could only be mine in my own thoughts because reality is mostly not pleasing. Practically, I fucking spent good money on her alcohol and food for the day, an acknowledgement for taking care of her was thoroughly deserved by me. On top of that, she puked everything out, all the cash spent on her. In the end, it was her bastard friend who got the erotic hug *Sob Sob*
Now why did I narrate this utterly nonsensical incident to you? (If you’ve bothered to read it all in the first place!). Not because I was explaining a failed drunken escapade to you but because the incident triggered me into my philosophical zone yet again. After my heart burned seeing her like that, I started walking back and wondered about the hoax we are making love to be. All of us! The 21st century people.
We do stupid things to force love which we cannot have rather than accepting the fact that sometimes, some things aren’t meant for us. I don’t know if there’s any apparent reason for that but being very blunt, that is the truth. We play games with the ones we love for keeping the relationship going by sacrificing or hiding things that our counterparts detest. We dread people who love us truly and go after people that don’t love us. We are insecure about others but refuse to change ourselves. We want to be loved with authenticity and loyalty, but refuse to do so ourselves unless we get from our significant other first. And in this process, our relationship is the one losing out. With ourselves and others. We have built cobwebs comprising of jealousy, trust issues and taking relationships as games which rely solely on our manipulative skills. And then, we whine about the fact how true love doesn’t exist anymore on this planet. Some of us even go up to the extent of calling ourselves incapable of finding true love ever in our lives. That’s hilariously ridiculous.
If I put it simply, what we don’t understand is that love has always been transparent and open. If we fail to open ourselves fully to the ones we claim to love then how do we expect them to do the same. We live in a time where we always have back-up people ready in case our current relationships fail to work. The truth is that most of us have already lost to our bitter experiences and lost so badly that we fail to believe that true love can come to us, hence we constantly push ourselves to register that love is a game. Some of us who are saved of this toxic mentality start believing that their life will change when apparently somebody will come and give them the love that they’ve been longing for so badly. Which in my opinion, is stupid because if most of us just believe and keep on waiting for something to happen which is a rare possibility and we are just wasting our time too in the process. While on the other hand we can utilize our time to be the people we want to be with. This would not only ensure self growth and empowerment but would also increase your chances of finding the true love you have been craving by changing lives of many others who are broken and waiting be mended. And I am sure it must be a good feeling then!
Now you see what alcohol does to me and why I like it? Or you can sideline my words by calling me an alcoholic. The choice is yours!