What is it like being in love with someone who you cannot trust? Not less than a brutal roller coaster ride. One moment you feel wonderful about the idea of being in love and the other moment doubt starts creeping in. The past becomes a pillar which you have become accustomed to hold on to. Every moment your mind is telling you stories which you constantly try avoiding, but you inner devil holds all the power to control you. Everything is materialistic, everything is a hoax. The movies that you watch which try to sell you the idea that love eventually finds a way only get you feeling nauseous. And on the brink of emotions, pain overpowers you.
I cannot control myself in loving you, even if it means dying inside each moment, everyday. But you can’t win me with the trust you lost long ago. I don’t blame you, for it was a crazy time back then. Parties, alcohol, random flings we were on the threshold of adulthood. I may have fallen for you too soon, but trust me, it wasn’t a choice. It was destined. You were a bitter experience I craved. The pain I loved to inflict on me.
We’ve stayed apart and we’ve come close. We’ve been mushy, we’ve been crazy. The lusty nights, the lazy mornings, I miss them. But I know I can’t open myself to you now, for you can stumble over my feelings again. It’s never easy to come out of the void you endow upon me.
You promise to heal me but I don’t believe you, yet my paranoid self only finds comfort in your embrace. You say we are destined yet the pain makes me feel otherwise. I don’t know where I am heading with you, but I want you to be my happy ending. What are you doing to me?
I find myself addicted to your presence. I can’t stay with you but I don’t want you away. When I leave, you pull me back. What are you? A blissful agony or a bitter contentment. I want you close yet I want you apart. I know you aren’t the one, but I refuse to believe it until I weave my own truth. Because without you, it’s all havoc.
So come to me? Take all of me! As I choose to be only yours. For nobody has ever discovered love without agony and sacrifice.
But for now, vodka will help.
Pic Courtesy: Abhijit Das