Picture Courtesy – Naina Raheja
I haven’t been writing for a while now. And it has been taking me to another path. I’ve started taking weed, smoking cigarettes and drinking quite profusely, topped by over eating to get over ‘life’. And I am ashamed. Ashamed of what I have had to resort to. Ashamed, because there are people in the world who have had to face worse than me. And they aren’t as privileged as I am. I have a functional family, ready to support me through all ends. But I am selfish. And that seems to be the stimulus behind this negativity and pain that I am currently going through.
I’ve been trying to write for a week now, and I keep scrapping the draft posts. I’ve had moral support from three lovely women who are my guardian angels, but I keep pushing them away as well. I have friends who while passing a blunt keep me motivated, just enough to accept classes the next day. I have friends who look at me as if I was their sole brother. And then I have myself. ready to pounce on every opportunity to learn any new offering. Still, there is a side to me that is still vulnerable. Vulnerable to all the dirt and grit, the world offers with the opportunities it presents me with. And this grit has to be faced head on, and not shied away from.
Megha had been my first crush, And I was hers.
She had to be the one chick I had intellectual similarities with. We were both focused. We both enjoyed each other’s company and we were friends before we ever agreed to a relationship. But I was insecure, much like I am now. I left her in the middle. I left her hanging, without an explanation. Started sitting next to the ‘cool’ crowd, because people didn’t agree with my ‘choice’. I would have honoured myself as a ‘scumbag’, had I not been a kid. I was a teenager, and I had made a huge mistake. A mistake that I still feel bad about. I still love this woman. I really do. And this feeling pops up, when I miss the comfort she gave me when I was down.
I remember how we held hands, kissed each other, as we snuck out from the window and kept our head on each other’s laps on picnics. I remember studying together, and acing the exams together. We were each other’s moral support. We were who we were. Our parents knew quite well we had feelings for each other. So much so, that my mom came back from a parent-teacher programme and asked me who Megha was, because apparently our teacher had said.’ They both stick together and look good together’. We even played games about being married. That’s how close we were.
But ‘life’ had other plans and has separated us across cities. Iv’e had many other relationships and she has had hers. My love for her seems one sided NOW, while hers is non-existent. She doesn’t have feeling for me. And one phone call decimated me and still haunts me on the days I am distraught.
I told her, two years after we broke up, that I still loved her. She mentioned that she was deeply in love with me back then, but there isn’t an iota of love left for me now, because I abandoned her. I hung around with others, because they specifically did not like her. I left her to fend for herself (which she was capable of) but she was about to propose to me that week and I blew it. She ended up becoming more gorgeous, she’s a Chartered Accountancy pursuer, and way more accomplished than I could be.
I am at the risk of abandoning my friends, family, guardian angels and others. If I prolong this hostility and this willingness to not share my feelings with them any further. All my decisions have had an impact on my friends, girlfriends and everyone in the system. And If I carry on shying again from the problems, Ill make the situation worse. Its hard the asses the impact your behaviour has on others. But it pains too hard to even contemplate the impact, my poor judgement had on her. And that has made all the difference.